How does it feel?

A couple of instances lately have prompted me to try and explain what post-partum depression feels like for me. It probably applies to depression in general (which I think I have, not just PPD)... I am still learning much and I think being as honest and descriptive as I can may help myself and others as well. I assumed what I felt was normal and just how everyone feels all the time. As I was telling Chad how I was feeling the other day, he commented that if he knew of someone who was making me feel like that, he would beat them up. I never thought of it like that. And then today while visiting teaching, the lady I visit teach was talking about the fact that she wanted to talk to her doc about taking something for PPD because she "wasn't feeling right." I tried to talk about it with her, but while I was much more open than I have ever been, I still couldn't bring myself to say everything - and much of it I don't know how to explain. So for those who think they are the only ones who feel/think this way and for those who can't even fathom someone could feel/think this way.. here's what I've got:

I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want it to be depression and it didn't seem to be the same as the commercials depict depression, so I convinced myself that wasn't it. In the commercials they show little wind-up dolls and sad little blobs, talk about loss of interest and crying. That wasn't it for me. My main feelings were intense anger, feeling completely incapable and tremendous guilt. And I did try and reach out for help, but I was afraid to - part of the problem with PPD - it makes you feel ashamed and afraid to get help. So my efforts were small and more subtle. The person who should be warned about the signs of PPD are the spouse and those close to the mommy, not just the mommy herself. Especially because it's hard to understand unless you've been through it and talking about it is so taboo. Well, so far I'm still being vague because this is still scary for me, but let me keep trying.

I hated "advice" of any kind - especially since they generally conflict. For example, lay your baby on his stomach so he doesn't aspirate his spit-up vs. lay your baby on his back or he might die of SIDS. I was afraid of making the wrong decision and hurting my baby, so every time I had to lay her down, I would panic about what to do and worry no matter what I chose. I just wanted someone else to make those choices so I wouldn't have to feel guilty if something happened. Making ANY decision became terrifying and its potential effects blown out of proportion. I was breastfeeding and I would worry about everything I ate. Any time Sakura was the least bit upset, I would wonder if it was something I ate and would cut something else out. I was living on rice milk, carrots and oatmeal for a time because none of those were likely to cause anything. It also was not nourishing and was not good for my health or the baby's. Because breastfeeding was touted as so important and I felt so much pressure to do it, I couldn't bring myself to give it up. That was part of the problem. Even when I realized I probably needed medication, I felt like I couldn't take it because most of it is not ok for breastfeeding. So I decided that meant I had to just suffer through it for at least the first year, since that's how long you're "supposed" to breastfeed your baby. I kept looking to "experts" to tell me it was ok to stop breastfeeding, but the only person who ever said it was ok was my mom, and I just chalked it up to "she's my mom, she's supposed to support me."

I joined a mom's forum in hopes of reaching out to others to find out what was wrong, since I had decided it wasn't depression. I read more than spoke at first and it seemed to help me, knowing that others felt like they weren't good enough. So I thought the way I felt must be normal and I just needed to accept that and deal with it. So I posted for anyone to read "Do you ever Hate your baby?" and waited to hear all the wonderful tips I knew these other women would give me. Some people said that of course I don't hate my baby, just her behavior and everyone feels that way, just take a deep breath and have someone give you a break. Some people expressed concern and said I should seek help. But the only comments I "heard" were the ones that said I was a terrible mother for thinking that way and maybe some people - aka me - weren't meant to be moms. I erased everything on my account and never went back, though I do still have an account. I was horrified. My worst fears were confirmed: though we had struggled for years to get pregnant and I finally had the little one I had begged God to give me, I was not meant to be a mom because I was only capable of being a bad one. I should have never asked God for something that clearly He never meant for me to have. But she was my baby! Could I really give her up for adoption? Chad would certainly never go for it, and it would break my heart because as much I felt I hated her, I loved her too much to let her go. I thought I would just have to educate myself and learn to control my temper and things would be ok.

I didn't realize that it doesn't work that way. You CAN'T overcome it with knowledge or willpower or practice or positive thinking or by yourself at all. It's like thinking you can change your blood sugar levels by the same methods - not possible! But I thought that it was just me and was too ashamed to be brutally honest with even my husband. Even now it's hard. And I did need more knowledge to help me understand I needed help - I needed medication. Part of my lack of knowledge was also misinformation or misunderstanding. My OBGYN asked if I had suicidal thoughts, and I said no. I thought if you ever really planned to do it or thought you would do it was having suicidal thoughts, and because of my knowledge of the gospel and my fear of inflicting pain on myself, I knew I would never actually try to kill myself, so it didn't count that I wanted to throw myself under a bus because I wasn't really going to. Wrong! That is what's called a suicide plan - thinking that it would be nice to throw myself under a bus is a suicidal thought. Seems like a no-brainer, but really - who wants to admit they have a "mental illness," which is the stigma associated with depression. You don't want to be labeled as "crazy." So when I answered "no" to suicidal thoughts, my feelings were chalked up to stress and lack of sleep. I really HATE it when the doctor tells you to decrease your stress! But since I wasn't "depressed" no further probing questions were answered (not that I would have answered rightly to those either with my way of thinking) and a key fact was missed: I not only thought of harming myself, but of harming the baby. That is the hardest thing to talk about. Even now, years later. When Sakura would cry, I would find myself wanting to smash her head against the wall so she would just shut-up. Or imagine smothering her with a pillow, or other atrocious things I couldn't possibly admit to ever thinking. And then I would hate myself for thinking it, especially when I knew I loved her so much. I knew if I ever did anything to hurt Sakura, I WOULD kill myself or go completely insane. That's when I would cry - not from sadness, but from self-loathing and fear of myself. The depth of my irrational anger was scary, and no one ever mentions anger as part of depression. One thing that helped me was actually a TV show - "Scrubs" season 6 episode 5 "My Friend with Money." (you can watch it on youtube) It was like finding my diagnosis. It wasn't ME thinking these things - it's a condition I have. And I've found that with medicine, you really don't think that way anymore - you become yourself again. You really don't have control over your thoughts and feelings, and that is not shameful but sad... and treatable! I shouldn't hate myself, I should feel sorry for myself and get help. It would be like not taking insulin for diabetes because it was shameful - talk about a dumb idea. But there is a lack of understanding and a stigma to "depression." But it is a disease and you really CAN'T control those thoughts and feelings. I hope my being open and honest can help dispel those kinds of false information and hopefully others will not have to live through what I did with no help - no one deserves that.

So, if you are wondering how I'm doing this time around - well, I'm struggling, but I'm aware of it and I am getting help. I am not breastfeeding. I am on anti-depressants and have been since I was pregnant and it certainly helps! I had no idea how much it would really help until I found something that worked! Since Seth was born, I have had thoughts of suicide and self-mutilation, (you don't just have to want to kill yourself or someone else, but wanting to cause harm is also a concern) so I'm working with my shrink to adjust my meds, adding in an anti-anxiety drug as well. We're still trying to get the combination right. But I know it can be done, and that it's important to do it. Regular therapy sessions are probably going to be added as well. Maybe one day I won't need these things to be "normal" or maybe I will need some degree of them for the rest of my life, just as many people with other diseases take medicine every day for their entire lives. I generally avoid putting myself in a situation where criticism can fuel my bad thoughts (which is why this post is a BIG deal for me); I don't read self-help books so I don't start to criticize myself; and I'm not going to be able to have a big family in this life. Doing this for myself isn't selfish nor is it shameful - it's what's best for my family too, and that is something I have to remind myself all the time. I won't remember that every day, but I'm grateful for the days that I do.